I Am The Alienated Parent

Although I know that I need to address the elephant in the room, I have struggled considerably with how to approach this topic or to even find the words to say. I cannot wrap my head around the overwhelming grief and loss that I feel. This has been the hardest battle that I have ever faced. 

I am the alienated parent.

Daily, I find myself asking; What did I do? When did I do it? Why is this happening to me? How will I survive this? Who could do this to someone that has given their life to love and support them? Where do I go from here? I have asked ALL of the questions; who, what, when, where, why, and how. It doesn’t matter what questions I ask or how many times I ask them; I can’t seem to find the answers or even the understanding to even try and accept this. 

I am the alienated parent.

Who knew that parenting would be so hard? I certainly didn’t. Most of the time, being a mom was rewarding. At this time in my life, being a mom has come with relentless pain, anxiety, and heartache. I am confused, hurt, angry, and grieving. The sadness has eaten away at the very core of my identity. Similar to metal corroding as it reacts to another substance. There is nothing that I want more than to hug my kids, spend time with them, and tell them how much I love them. It is difficult to watch as they slip further and further away. I don’t know them anymore. The kids that I raised never would’ve treated me this way. Again, I go back to questioning. How has history been rewritten in their minds? They witnessed their father’s wrath and abuse towards me. Hell, they experienced their own verbal and mental abuse from his hands as well. How am I the bad guy in the story now? How has everything that he’s done been forgiven and the blame shifted to me? I try to give them understanding and grace because I have become all too aware of the intense gaslighting, mindgames, confusion, love bombing, and emotional abuse at their father’s hands. Now he has a new wife and, essentially, an accomplice who aids him into turning them against me. It’s like their very thoughts and memories of me have been washed out of existence. 

But I did exist, I do exist. 

I am not invisible even though I feel like I am. 

I am the alienated parent.

I feel that others must wonder what I did to my children to make them hate me this way. Some of the worst times are when someone asks me how my children are doing… what am I supposed to say? I would guess it is similar to a parent whose child has died, my children feel so lost to me, almost as if they have died. Instead I’m grieving the loss of my children that are still alive and yet our abuser still has unlimited access to them. The sheer reality and rawness of my pain is unimaginable and at times I can’t breathe. I miss them so much. 

I was made to love and protect my children. Being on the wrong side of abuse and divorce and not being able to give them what I promised them on the day they were born is cruel and an unnatural punishment for simply being me. I live with the innate desire to care and oftentimes I find myself speechless as I try to cope with all of the love that I have for them, while also feeling defeated.

If I could ask anything, I would ask for you to still speak to me about my children and never let me forget that I am, and always will be, their mother and the love that I have for them will always keep a clear path and the door open. I pray when they are ready, my knees can continue to hold me up and not buckle, and that I greet them with a warm smile as they come through the door.. 

If you know me, support me and acknowledge me, but don’t let me wallow or drown in my suffering. I am the alienated parent and although I have been alienated from my children it does not mean that my life is over. Remind me to breathe when the pain becomes too raw. Remind me of the simple things in life; the autumn leaves, the summer sunshine, the beauty of a sunset, the waves splashing on the sand. Remind me that I am worthy, I am strong, and that I am loved.