Leaving You  – Leaving you was the greatest escape of my life. – Leaving you ripped open my wounds – exposing the truth of my abandonment, my rejection and my worthlessness. The very wounds that you temporarily covered up with your intense love bombing, only to gradually rip off the band-aid once you had entrapped me again. – Leaving you confirmed what I had believed and knew in my heart about you to be true. – Leaving you tested me as a parent to the tenth degree. I felt the overwhelming weight of having to share my children with you when I didn’t do anything to lose any precious time with them. You were only around when it was convenient for you, not because you had a family or because you cared about us. You liked how it looked to everyone on the outside looking in. – Leaving you had me in a conundrum trying to justify time for my own personal self-care, knowing that I would quickly drown if I didn’t come up for air. I was sinking at work, at everyday household tasks, normal life demands, monthly bills, debt that you put me in, homework, cries from the children of their needs and wants. Often times I had to remind myself to, “just keep swimming – just keep swimming,” as Dory says, in Finding Nemo. – Leaving you forced me to pick up all of the broken pieces that you had destroyed over the course of more than two decades. I was the one comforting our children when they also felt like they weren’t worthy of your love, attention, and affection. I wiped their tears away from their sweet and innocent faces as they fell from their eyes. Their confusion was written all over each of their faces. – Leaving you displayed who actually shows up regardless of the storm that rages, and who truly cares when everything starts to unravel. Being safe, secure, kind, patient, and consistent was; and still is, my priority. – Leaving you exposed me to the nosey and prying eyes of those around me, although, when things were at their worst, I know who I could trust and also who I couldn’t trust. – Leaving you held the door wide open for other opportunities that you would miss but would once again blame, judge, guilt, resent, punish, manipulate, and shame me into thinking that it was my fault. – Leaving you had me questioning every single one of my choices, decisions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I had ever had or had to make. – Leaving you left my head in a web of confusion. I was trying to salvage my own sanity, my mind, my heart, and my soul. I didn’t even know where or even how to begin. – Leaving you had me on my knees questioning how I was going to support my children financially, physically, emotionally, and mentally when I, myself wasn’t sure that I could even take care of myself. – Leaving you had me crippled in fear, rejection, sadness, resentment, and worthlessness. I felt my entire past was ruined because of you. Everything came back with a vengeance, encasing me in a dark tomb, where I needed to wear a fake smile just to survive each day. I wore that fake smile for the sake of my children. Each new day would take us into the unknown but I was also trying to just trust the process and know that God had me in the palm of His hand. – Leaving you had me wondering why I had allowed myself to live in silent torture for far too long. Oftentimes, misery sucked the air completely out of me, one small piece at a time, until there was nothing left. All of this brought me to an abrupt halt. My own personal misery and my worry for my children had me crying all too often, wishing the pain would just end quickly and quietly. There were countless hours, days, and nights that I had just begged for God to just let me sleep through the pain and heartache and then once it was all over, wake-up. – Leaving you had me constantly questioning myself. I was almost paralyzed by the fake façade that I had become so accustomed to. I spent countless moments replaying the multiple decades of our life together; remembering all of the moments that your mask fell off revealing the truly horrible and ghastly person that you are and then I found myself wondering how I had managed to stay and fight as long as I had. My mind started racing as I recalled all of the books explaining abuse and narcissism that I had studied. I remember the countless times that the red flags were waving and you had checked off every single box in those books. Even during that time, I was still in denial. I refused to accept that I had been lied to, cheated on, and ultimately duped for so many years. Even after my realization, finally being honest with myself, and admitting the truth of who you are, also meant I had to admit that I had chosen to remain silent and asleep for all those years instead of waking up to the truth. I had to confront my truth and the fact that I had blamed myself for way too long. Confronting my truth also meant admitting that I had allowed myself to be criticized and abandoned by my own doing. After so many years of living a life that I believed to be true. A life that I thought I was completely responsible for. A life I believed that I had miserably failed at. A life that I believed I hadn’t tried hard enough to fix or save. A shell of a life that had me clinging onto hope and faith, wondering why I wasn’t good enough for you to fight for. It was a life that meant nothing when the foundation of love, trust, loyalty, truth, compassion, fairness, care, dignity, empathy, pride, kindness, and support were missing. A life that has been destined to end in suffering, one very slow and painful day at a time. – Leaving you I gained – Wholeness, self-worth and the feeling of being good enough for myself, not for you, because until you feel good enough, I will never be able to meet your expectations. – Leaving you I gained – A new sense of fulfilment and inner trust. – Leaving you I gained – I gained extra tools in my mothering belt. Tools that had my son commenting that, “you’ve been so much better since you left dad.” – Leaving you I gained – I found a new sense of self-confidence, strength, and resilience. – Leaving you I gained – I found a home within myself, the very home that I had abandoned the day I met you. I had given my soul away for a life that turned out to be very different than the one I had initially hoped for, and imagined for myself. – Leaving you I gained – Comfort that my children and I would be fine, because of all the hard work that I had put in during the early years of parenting. I had no idea that I was being prepared for what was laying ahead. – Leaving you I gained – Passion and purpose in my life. – Leaving you I gained – The ability to manifest, believe in myself, and trust that I was always going to be okay. When you break free from what is drowning you and you are at your darkest hour, the only way to go is up. – Leaving you I gained – The ability and skills to manage a house, children, dogs, a garden, and my mental and emotional health. I am learning to balance starting a new business, studying, and I’m learning to earn money in areas that I never thought were possible for me before. – Leaving you I gained – the importance of being a role model – it’s not what you say, it’s what you do. Your actions speak louder than words. This is just one of the things that a narcissist will find to be impossible. – Leaving you I gained – That if I wanted to break the cycle of my past, I needed to heal, completely and thoroughly. I had to put in the time and the hard work. – Leaving you I gained – The ability to show self-respect, self-compassion, self-love and self-awareness. – Leaving you I gained – Wings, and I am starting to soar. – Leaving you I gained – How to set and stick to my boundaries. I learned how to feel comfortable saying “no” and how not to take others judgment of me personally to heart. Once I realized that I could respond instead of react, showed me just how far I’ve come in my own healing. – Leaving you I gained – Tools to heal my inner rejection, abandonment, lack of worth and loneliness. – Leaving you I gained – The art of forgiveness. The true power of letting go, and the need to focus on myself. While I was still with you, I was living in the past and wondering about what could have been. I was giving all of my hard earned energy to someone that never deserved it. A wise person once said, “A flower cannot grow unless it is watered, nurtured, and given sunlight.” My growth had been stunted while I was willingly handing over my thoughts, my worries, my wants, my needs, my fears, and my desires only for them to be used against me. Once I took my power back what I gained was so much more.  I had enabled him and his behavior. Without me, he had no one to groom his ego. By not enabling him anymore, taking my power back, and taking responsibility meant I was able to heal and to no longer accept what does not nurture my soul. I am gaining a deep, meaningful relationship with myself, and I like me. I have gained a like minded, kind, caring, loving, and compassionate man who supports my continued healing and encourages me each and every single day. I am ridding myself of the people that are just takers and are life suckers, who have plagued my life; only using and abusing me for their personal gain. I have learned that you attract what you are; so by knowing my worth, I started attracting people who also know my worth. The day I left you was the day I started to be reminded again of who I really am…. The day I left you – I found ME again! THIS was my biggest gain.  |
Bee
I'm a woman. I'm a mother. I'm a girlfriend. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm at aunt. I'm a granddaughter.. I'm the average girl next door. To look at me, you would never know the things I have endured. I am the funny, personable woman that likes to make others smile while hiding my own insecurities and fears.
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