Why Do I Feel So Lonely? Lately, I’ve found myself seeking REAL relationships, REAL talk, and REAL people. I’ve always been told that I am too sensitive. I am really longing for REAL connection and for less social media. Don’t get me wrong, I think social media can be an amazing resource but certainly not if it replaces REAL relationships. Recently, I’ve been taking a deeper look at my relationships and my social media. I have found myself weighing true relationships and why I’m connected to certain people. Why do I give them access to me? Honestly, I don’t know. I give a lot of people access to me, and very few are deserving of it. Since I have started sharing bits and pieces of my story on social media, I have realized the people who are REAL. I understand that some people are unsure of what to say, how to say it, or they don’t say anything because they don’t want to appear nosey. If I am being completely honest, I am incredibly thankful for the people that have reached out to me. I have found myself extremely lonely. It could be because of COVID and all of the lock downs and everyone is just starting to act “normal” again. It’s a new normal for everyone. I have never had a great deal of friends, although I am friendly. In my younger years I had a few best friends but we grew apart (I’ll explain more about that in my story). Since then, I have let very few people get that close to me. I am a very private person and I have a hard time trusting people. I feel like I am a good friend. I reach out to plan dinners or get-togethers. Unfortunately, I feel I am the only one who puts in the effort (with the exception of a few people). I don’t feel that people see my heart or my true intentions to really try and do the right thing and to just be a decent human. With some of my so-called friends, I have opened up and have been honest about how I feel and in return, I’m shamed, gaslighted, and embarrassed into secrecy. I even had one “friend” make a pass at my husband (now ex-husband), and invited him over to spend the night. Insane, right? I’ve decided that I’m not taking the shame, guilt, or embarrassment anymore, I have committed to sharing my story to shed light on abuse and trauma and because it has immensely helped me heal. It’s a sense of empowerment, and I’m taking my life back! What do I have to be ashamed about? What happened to me was because I was married to a narcissistic abuser who took advantage of me. With my history I’ve thought that maybe I should be more protective of myself and my emotions. I have found that the way I feel about certain things has sometimes been used against me. I have wondered if I should just cut ties to the people that don’t empower, relate, empathize, or speak positivity in my life. Why do I feel this way? I KNOW that I am a funny, personable, and beautiful 42 year old woman with a genuine heart. I KNOW that I am worthy and deserving of kindness, love, and respect. I am a good mother, a good friend; and I am kind, moral, and loyal. Even knowing all of this, why do I always feel like I am searching for validation? When it comes to my boyfriend, I want to know and feel that he looks at me and thinks, “WOW, my girlfriend is absolutely gorgeous and I’m so lucky she’s mine!” I want him to feel that I am the most beautiful woman in the world (don’t get me wrong, I do believe that he feels this way). We all deserve a man who isn’t afraid to hurt another woman’s feelings in order to protect our feelings. Truth be told, when you’ve been together for any length of time, you get use to each other and the relationship isn’t all new and mushy but you both should still make an effort to date one another. At the beginning of most relationships, there is a lot of flirtation and talking. I admit, I’m needy and I could never get enough time or attention from him, quite honestly, I still can’t even after all this time. Lately, I feel caught up in day to day life; dealing with and healing from my past trauma. I’m not always a bright ray of sunshine but I do always try to be a kind and caring person. I have come to the realization, and I refuse to place my worth with anyone other than myself. I am happy with me. Recently, I’ve been making myself extremely vulnerable and have began sharing parts of my story. It’s not to shame anyone, it has been healing for me to speak my truth. I’ve been worried for far too long what other people think of me. I’m taking my power back and doing what’s best for me. I decided that if people don’t want others to know who they really are then maybe they should behave better. I keep checking in with myself to see how I’m doing mentally. I recognize my loneliness and I also recognize what I need. It makes it harder when I can’t fix it myself all the time. I wish I could just snap my fingers and POOF, all of my problems are solved. Wouldn’t that be nice?! In comparison to just a year ago, I am doing really well, both mentally and physically; it’s like night and day. I’m not saying that for my own benefit but after everything I’ve gone through, I’m really proud of my progress. I honestly don’t care anymore how someone perceives me (this is HUGE). I’ve always been concerned about what others thought of me. When it comes to my boyfriend, he doesn’t deserve all of the emotional backlash that has happened; however, I am thankful for him. He recognized the abuse, he has supported me, he has loved me, and he has dealt with me in some of my darkest moments. He didn’t have to, but he has stuck by my side and for that I’m thankful. We are a good team and we do communicate fairly well. I’m learning to be okay with me. Just me. I know I’m needy and that contributes to my loneliness. It’s a constant battle but each day gets better. One day at a time. Do you ever feel like you’re being overly sensitive and lonely? What are your thoughts? |
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