What Is Trauma Bonding? A trauma bond is an unhealthy attachment that an abused person feels towards their abuser. Trauma bonding happens when there is a repetitive pattern of abuse followed by positive reinforcement. When someone is abused, the abuser creates a trauma bond by professing their love, intense regret, and tries to re-establish safety within the relationship. The abuser will also make the victim feel that they are needed and they prey upon, the victim’s need for validation, security, and safety. Unfortunately, it is a false sense of security and safety because it is only a matter of time before the cycle once again repeats itself. When someone is trauma bonded it makes leaving the abusive situation confusing, overwhelming, and scary. The victim has positive and loving feelings which in turn makes them feel more attached and dependent on their abuser. |
Examples of Trauma Bonding 1. Accepting blame for the abuse: “He didn’t mean to get angry. It was my fault.” 2. Feeling you deserve the abuse: “He puts up with me and still loves me.” 3. Justifying the abuse: “He had a terrible childhood. I feel sorry for him.” 4. Believing you can change your abuser: “I can help him to change with love and support.” 5. Excusing the abuse: “He deserves a fair go. He doesn’t mean to hurt me.” The way that the abuser behaves is always justified and the victim is always making excuses for the abusive behavior and psychologically makes the victim feel as if they are the ones to blame for the actions of their abuser. A victim longs to be loved and desired ultimately allowing them to fall deeper into the abuse. Victims who are trauma bonded interpret their abuse as love because they have been conditioned to believe this. How do you know if you’re truly in love or if you are trauma bonded? Have you ever fallen fast and hard for someone only to then realize that the reality is actually toxic? True love, and lasting relationships develop over time and typically don’t hit us so quickly. You fall in love by building, nourishing, and developing a deeper connection with that person. |
Preventing Trauma Bonding Preventing trauma bonding when you have been unhealed emotionally is hard to truly know if you are in real love and if you have a true connection. My best advice would be that if something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If you have more questions than answers, you should consider taking the time to heal the unhealed areas that are within you before progressing any further. If that person truly is a caring and understanding person, they will appreciate that you want to be able to give 100% to a possible future relationship with them. One day at a time, this isn’t a race; it’s a marathon… a SLOW one. Nobody can protect your mental and emotional health better than you. Learn to trust your gut and listen to that nagging voice inside of you. Set boundaries and don’t make exceptions to push those boundaries for anyone. Believe in yourself and make yourself happy first. If you aren’t happy with who you are; you can’t possibly make anyone else happy. |
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